I squeezed my eyes shut trying to will myself to wake up. I just knew this had to be a nightmare,.. this could not be happening to me. I can still hear the doctors hollow voice, he looked at me straight in the eyes and said "Well obviously your baby has died." The hours leading up to this moment seemed to be routine. My mom had drove Josh and I to the doctor, I had been having some contractions and the baby wasn't moving as much as she had been but I was 32 weeks pregnant and all the books and all the doctors kept reassuring me "It was fine, it's normal." I called the doctor's office probably 10 times that weekend so I think just to get me to quit calling they agreed to see me. I don't know if I was naive or just trying to be hopeful when the doctor couldn't find her heartbeat in the office. He sent us over to the hospital to get an ultrasound, in my mind I was just excited I was going to get a "sneak peek" at our little girl again. Little did I know that sneak peek would turn into my worst nightmare.
As soon as the ultrasound technician had her up on the screen I could tell something was wrong,.. her face changed and she refused to tell me what was going on, she just got up and left the room,.. it was in that moment the doctor came in and said words that cut me deeper than a knife. The next several hours are still a blur,.. I can remember the pain,.. as I look back now I'm not sure whether most of the pain was mental pain, or physical pain but whatever it was it was the most severe pain I've ever felt in my human life. At 5:17pm November 4,2002 my firstborn daughter Maddison Nicole Jones was born and gained her wings. She weighed in at 1pound 5oz and 18inches long. She smelled wonderfully just like all newborn babies and had the most delicate hands and feet I'd ever seen. I was 17 years old, a baby myself in some ways and yet here I was preparing to embark upon something no mother should ever have to face. I was fixing to have to spend a few hours with my first child, before planning my first funeral.
My name is Amanda Jones, I am the founder of Maddison's Wings outreach. I am opening this outreach up as a way to minister to so many hurting women out there. Every year 1, 995, 840 babies are lost to pregnancy loss. Every year infant death is still another taboo subject that isn't spoken of. I hope to change that, and during that I hope to reach out and comfort the many women affected by pregnancy loss.
Over the next several weeks I will tell my full story, I am also launching a Facebook page which will give you opportunities to share your story of your angel. I will also be opening a program to send care packets to women who have recently lost babies, to give them a tangible way to remember their angel.
I was given a small bag of items when Maddison passed away and I still have it 10 years later. It's such a nice reminder that even though she isn't here I have a few tangible items that I can still cling to.
If you or someone you know has recently lost a child please contact Amanda at MaddisonsWings@yahoo.com
or
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100003573611182
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